Colel Read online

  Colel sighed, letting the stream of hot water run over her hand. Perhaps that’s the answer! Her brethren all said the same thing: Despite the obstacles, the Universe kept forcing them together with their mates. Colel wanted a sign or confirmation, when what she needed to do was fight against him.

  Deny.

  Run.

  If Rys was meant to be hers, then they would be thrown in each other’s paths. From this moment forward, I shall seek him no longer!

  A loud knock on her bedroom door startled her from her deep thoughts. She considered grabbing a towel or a robe, but the house was filled with Uchben warriors. They’d seen her in her birthday suit more times than she’d had actual birthdays.

  Not an exaggeration.

  There was a period of time when she kept traveling to Africa to get to the bottom of their killer bees situation. What angered them? Why were they trying to exterminate the peaceful hives of the world? She never found the answer, and then her attention turned to the greater issue at hand, but during that time, her mortal shell had been destroyed every week, each time sending her soul back to her realm. Once there, she had to make the journey through one of the cenotes again, where her human body would be re-formed over several days. Brutus or one of his soldiers was always there waiting for her to jump out of the water. Naked as a baby.

  She went to the bedroom door and jerked it open. But standing there wasn’t Brutus or one of his men. Sinfully seductive dark eyes and a fierce scowl greeted her.

  “Rys?”

  Praise for the Immortal Matchmakers

  “If you’ve never read anything by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, then you’re in for a treat here. Especially if you love laugh-out-loud tales that have tons of depth to the plot and engaging characters to latch on to.”

  —Sara, Harlequin Junkie, on The Immortal Matchmakers

  “A wild, crazy and a flipping hilarious ride that you won’t forget!!”

  —#Minxes Love Books, on The Goddess of Forgetfulness

  “Always fun, always entertaining, there is never a dull moment when Mimi Jean Pamfiloff unleashes her wicked imagination on an unsuspecting world!”

  —Tome Tender, on The Goddess of Forgetfulness

  “Mimi Jean Pamfiloff does it again. I have no clue where she stores these characters and their stories, but I would love to be a fly on the wall of her brain. God of Wine was hilarious, cheesy and sexy which is 100% perfect!”

  —Reviews by Reds, on God of Wine

  “It’s full of sexy gods, bat-shit crazy goddesses, wisecracking immortals and enough snark to make me laugh out loud.”

  —Leigh, Guilty Pleasures, on Tommaso

  “This first book in the spin-off is everything I love about Mimi Jean Pamfiloff’s paranormal. Sarcasm, snark, smartassness, and big sexy alphas in leather pants. Getting down and dirty no-holds-barred romance.”

  —Hannah’s Words Blog, The Immortal Matchmakers

  OTHER WORKS BY MIMI JEAN PAMFILOFF

  COMING SOON!

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant, Book 3 ← It’s a mystery series. But will they find love, anyway? (That’s part of the mystery.)

  My Pen is Huge (OHellNo, Book 5) ← My new fave cover.

  The Boyfriend Collector, Part 2 ← Get ready for some sexy stuff!

  THE ACCIDENTALLY YOURS SERIES

  (Paranormal Romance/Humor)

  Accidentally in Love with…a God? (Book 1)

  Accidentally Married to…a Vampire? (Book 2)

  Sun God Seeks…Surrogate? (Book 3)

  Accidentally…Evil? (a Novella) (Book 3.5)

  Vampires Need Not…Apply? (Book 4)

  Accidentally…Cimil? (a Novella) (Book 4.5)

  Accidentally…Over? (Series Finale) (Book 5)

  THE FATE BOOK SERIES

  (Standalones/New Adult Suspense/Humor)

  Fate Book ← High school just got interesting.

  Fate Book Two

  THE FUGLY SERIES

  (Standalones/Contemporary Romance)

  Fugly

  it’s a fugly life ← I so want to write one more.

  THE HAPPY PANTS SERIES

  (Standalones/Romantic Comedy)

  The Happy Pants Café (Prequel) ← Makes me hungry when I think about this book.

  Tailored for Trouble (Book 1)

  Leather Pants (Book 2)

  Skinny Pants (Book 3) ← Still trying to run just one mile.

  Why are my heroines always in better shape than me?

  IMMORTAL MATCHMAKERS, INC., SERIES

  (Standalones/Paranormal/Humor)

  The Immortal Matchmakers (Book 1)

  Tommaso (Book 2)

  God of Wine (Book 3)

  The Goddess of Forgetfulness (Book 4)

  Colel (Immortal Matchmakers, Book 5) ← You R Here.

  THE KING SERIES

  (Dark Fantasy)

  King’s (Book 1)

  King for a Day (Book 2)

  King of Me (Book 3)

  Mack (Book 4)

  Ten Club (Series Finale, Book 5) ← Will there be a #6? Why yes, I think so!

  THE LIBRARIAN’S VAMPIRE ASSISTANT

  (Mystery/Humor)

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 1)

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 2)

  THE MERMEN TRILOGY

  (Dark Fantasy)

  Mermen (Part 1)

  MerMadmen (Part 2)

  MerCiless (Part 3) ← Mermen HATE Cimil.

  Now she’s on the bottom of the ocean. Or is she?

  MR. ROOK’S ISLAND SERIES

  (Romantic Suspense)

  Mr. Rook (Part 1)

  Pawn (Part 2)

  Check (Part 3, Finale)

  THE OHELLNO SERIES

  (Standalones/New Adult/Romantic Comedy)

  Smart Tass (Book 1)

  Oh Henry (Book 2)

  Digging A Hole (Book 3)

  Battle of the Bulge (Book 4) ← Dicktastic!

  COLEL

  The Immortal Matchmakers, Inc. Series

  Book 5

  Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  A Mimi Boutique Novel

  Copyright © 2019 by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Kindle Edition

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the writer, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks are not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Cover Design by Earthly Charms

  Developmental Editing by Latoya Smith

  Copyediting and Proof Reading by Pauline Nolet

  Formatting by Paul Salvette

  Appeal to Pirated Book Lovers

  “I’m not hurting anyone.”

  “I can’t afford to buy books, so the author isn’t losing money. I’d never buy them anyway.”

  “I don’t think it’s wrong. So many people do it.”

  As an author who is trying to support her family on this income, it’s really difficult to come up with the right words to convey how damaging ebook piracy is to me personally, to my fellow authors, and to the industry. (Remember, publishers HAVE to make money, too. We want them to. They have employees with families like anyone else. They create jobs and pay taxes in our communities. Busi
nesses need to be healthy because when they’re not, people get laid off and lose things like their homes.)

  As for the individual author, well, I just can’t imagine anyone being okay with working for four months at their job on a presentation and then their boss says, “Hey, I’m not going to pay you because I can’t afford it. Also, I know that I used the presentation and you did the work and slaved over it, but I never had the money to pay for it in the first place, so you really haven’t lost any money. Either way, you weren’t getting paid.”

  Hell no would you put up with that!

  Bottom line is we all have a right to decide how we’re compensated for our work and time. Strangers, the public, and book pirate sites don’t have the right to decide for us. It’s okay to have an opinion about what you’re willing to pay for my books or to have a political view about access to books, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to decide for the author or artist.

  As for these sites that claim they’re not doing anything wrong? The sites pirated book lovers go to and think they’re not hurting anyone? We all KNOW THEY ARE.

  What sort of person or organization would put up a website that uses stolen work (or encourages its users to share stolen work) in order to make money for themselves, either through website traffic or direct sales? Haven’t you ever wondered?

  Putting up thousands of pirated books onto a website or creating those anonymous ebook file-sharing sites takes time and resources. Quite a lot, actually.

  So who are these people? Do you think they’re decent, ethical people with good intentions? Why do they set up camp anonymously in countries where they can’t easily be touched? And the money they make from advertising every time you go to their website, or through selling stolen work, what are they using it for? The answer is you don’t know. They could be terrorists, organized criminals, or just greedy bastards. But one thing we DO know is that THEY ARE CRIMINALS who don’t care about you, your family, or me and mine. And their intentions can’t be good.

  And every time you illegally share or download a book, YOU ARE HELPING these people. THEY GET PAID FOR IT! Via traffic and ad impressions.

  Meanwhile, people like me, who work to support a family and children, are left wondering why anyone would condone this.

  So please, please ask yourself who YOU are HELPING when you support ebook piracy, and then ask yourself who you are HURTING.

  And for those who legally purchased/borrowed/obtained my work from a reputable retailer (not sure, just ask me!) muchas thank yous! You rock.

  The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of a copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by fines and federal imprisonment.

  DEDICATION

  To the bees.

  Because without these tiny warriors, we wouldn’t have flower sex. And without flower sex, we wouldn’t have many of our favorite fruits and veggies, aka plant babies. Wait. We’re eating plant babies? Oh, dear gods! That sounds so gross, but I really can’t give up fruits and veggies, so I’ll have to forget I ever wrote this…

  To squirrels. Because, why not?

  CONTENTS

  About the Book

  Praise for the Immortal Matchmakers

  Other Works by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Appeal to Pirated Book Lovers

  Dedication

  Warning

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Author’s Note

  Free Signed Bookmarks

  Acknowledgments

  Coming Soon!

  Excerpt from The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant

  Excerpt from The Boyfriend Collector

  Character Definitions – The Gods

  Character Definitions – Not the Gods

  About the Author

  COLEL

  WARNING

  This book contains foul language, gratuitous sex against a truck, outrageously rude immortal warriors in leather pants, snow, pigheaded gods, a sexually frustrated goddess, a very hot and hunky florist guy with a bad attitude and a big secret, Brutus bubble baths, a sneaky invisible unicorn, unrequited love, bees, bees, and more bees, and chocolates.

  If you do not like foul language, gratuitous sex against a truck, outrageously rude immortal warriors in leather pants, snow, pigheaded gods, a sexually frustrated goddess, a very hot and hunky florist guy with a bad attitude and a big secret, Brutus bubble baths, a sneaky invisible unicorn, unrequited love, bees, bees, and more bees, and chocolates, then you really should because, as the gods will tell you, us humans don’t have enough fun.

  In fact, they kind of wonder why we spend so much time with our noses up each other’s asses, looking for reasons to be outraged on social media, when our time might be better spent at the beach, drinking ice-cold beer with a friend, soaking up the sun, or writing naughty poetry.

  Because of this, the gods enjoy taunting us since there’s nothing else to do when you live forever, and everything gets old, with the following exceptions:

  - Homegrown tomatoes, butter, and bacon

  - Leather pants (on men)

  - Shiny hair (nobody likes dull hair, so yeah)

  - Good romance novels (or just plain dirty ones)

  - Virgin sacrifices at the altar of Chichen Itza (killing tarts is just wrong because they know all the fun tricks)

  - Pizza (just like sex, even when it’s bad, it’s good)

  - Orgasms (just like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s good)

  - And, last but not least, the fact that each new day is another chance to start over. You can make your own luck just as long as you’re still breathing.

  With Love,

  Mimi

  CHAPTER ONE

  “Shush, my babiees. I know you’re hungry. Just a few more minutes, and I’ll have something for your empty bellies.” Colel, the Mistress of Bees, stroked the buzzing hive atop her head, wishing she could turn her flowing blonde locks into a field of golden flowers rich with nectar.

  Or better yet, get them off my head to hunt for wildflowers on their own.

  But, alas, it was only April—far too early in the year for anything to blossom in this small town of Crested Butte, Colorado. The snowpack had disappeared along with the skiers, but the ground remained frozen solid. It was why she’d come, having just arrived this morning from another hive community in upstate New York. She needed to see how the locals had fared the rough winter. And by locals, she meant the tiny black-and-yellow ones who needed to make it until June, when the hills and mountains burst to life with vividly colored wildflowers. It was the sort of glorious spectacle that brought people from all around the world. To the honeybee community, however, it was harvest time, and they needed to gather enough food stores for the next winter.

  A challenge to bee sure.

  Beehives around the world continued dwindling in numbers. Why? No one was exactly sure, but her very own hive had told her they felt a shift in the bee-force. A dramatic weakening.

  Fear not, my tiny pollination Jedis. Colel will get to the bottom of this. She’d been on the road for months now, traveling from country to country, state to state, searching for answers and personally surveying global hive conditions
. The bees she carried with her acted as her ambassadors and spoke all dialects of buzz. And French. They were classy like that.

  A pinch on her earlobe gave her a startle. “Ouch!” She resisted swatting the little warrior, who now hovered in front of her face.

  “Chuck, knock it off. I’m hurrying.” She pushed him out of her way and continued down the sidewalk, searching for the little convenience store she’d seen on the drive in. With a population of 1,600 humans during the off-season, she hoped the store carried more than just the bare essentials.

  Chuck replied with an angry flutter. The other bees, nestled safely inside her warm hive hat, mimicked his warning.

  “Stop it. You’re making my brain hurt with all that vibrating, you little psychos.” Honestly, she loved her bees, but in all their seventy thousand years together, they’d never behaved so crazy.

  She pushed on the glass door of the mom-and-pop sundry shop, and a tiny bell announced her arrival.

  “Good afternoon, ma’am,” Colel said, noting the alarmed expression of the old woman in a gray turtleneck standing behind the register counting change. “Have you any honey?”

  Terrified, the woman silently shook her head no.

  “Gah…really?” I thought for sure…

  The hive roared and began beating their little wings to the rhythm of “We Will Rock You” by Queen, only they sang it with the words “We will sting you.”

  Little bastards. They truly were incorrigible when they didn’t eat. The irony was that they didn’t need sustenance for survival. They ate out of habit, and seventy millennia had yet to change their honey addiction. “Might you know of another shop nearby? It’s an emergency.”

  The woman’s mouth fell open to the fully slack position as she took in the enormous beehive atop Colel’s head.

  “Oh no. Don’t do that. Chuck will think it’s an invitation.” He loved the warmth of a good human mouth or, really, any human orifice. Such a pervy little thing.