Battle of the Bulge
“But…Mitch.” Georgie sighs with contentment. “So. Hot.”
“Uh, so ewww. He’s a pig.”
“I’m not defending his bewildering ways, but I saw the two of you at the party.”
“So?” I seriously don’t know what she’s getting at.
“So…there were sparks lighting up that corner of the room where you two were making out.”
“Those weren’t sparks. They were warning flares from the universe. I just couldn’t see them because I was blinded by Mitch’s male-superiority complex. Did you know it glows neon green in the dark?”
“What glows?”
“His complex. It’s so toxic that it’s like some radioactive leprosy that eats away at the female brain. It’s how he gets so many women to sleep with him.”
She laughs. “Oh, so now he’s a disease?”
“I’m lucky to be alive,” I say as a matter of fact.
“While I couldn’t be more grateful that my best friend wasn’t turned into a phosphorescent sex doll by this well-endowed monster of epic hotness, I think she might be overvilifying the man. Just a tad.”
“Bite your tongue.” I hang my damp towel on the little hook next to the door. I like my things neat and organized, which is why when my mom redid my room a few years ago, she added an entire wall of white storage cubes with linen baskets.
“I’m being serious, Abi. Sam is an excellent judge of character, and I doubt he’d be friends with Mitch if he were that rotten of a human being.”
But Sam didn’t defend Mitch when I brought the issue up. In fact, he confirmed that Mitch has a thing against female bodyguards. In other words, Sam knows Mitch isn’t an angel.
“All I’m saying,” she adds, “is that I think there’s more to the story.”
I slide on a black lace thong. “He’s a turdler, so if you believe otherwise, then there’s something you’re not telling me.”
CONTENTS
About the Book
Praise for the OHellNo Series
Other Works by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sneak Peek
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
Coming Soon!
Excerpt from The Boyfriend Collector, Book One
About the Author
PRAISE FOR THE OHELLNO SERIES
“With a smoldering cover that gives us just a hint as to one of the surprises in store for readers, Digging a Hole was an unputdownable rollicking good time of a romance that captured my heart immediately.”
—Sara, Harlequin Junkies
“What I love about this book is what I love about most of the books that I have read by this author. It is the witty banter, the snarky comments and the connection between the two main characters.”
—Three Chicks and Their Books, on SMART TASS
“I seriously LOVE Mimi Jean Pamfiloff’s talented writing style so much that I can add her to my addiction list.”
—Jennifer Person, The Power of Three Readers, on SMART TASS
“Where does she come up with some of this stuff?!? Mimi’s mind must be a fantastic place. Filled with blood thirsty unicorns and now, warrior squirrels and naked yoga cults, I stand in awe of her imagination. Her stories are funny and twisty and filled with enough crazy sexiness that I can’t put them down. I couldn’t have anticipated where Digging A Hole was going, but I gladly held on for the ride.”
—Leigh, Guilty Pleasures Book Reviews, on DIGGING A HOLE
“Oh, Henry!!! It’s sweet, funny, and oh so sexy. A definite FIVE-STAR read that has the three H’s: HILARITY, HOTNESS, and HEART. The amazingly talented Ms. Pamfiloff has written your next book boyfriend, Henry Walton. Get ready to fall in love with this cocky unfiltered athlete and his quirky smartass match, Elle! You will love their banter and his quest to win her over.”
—Bestselling author of Until Alex, J. Nathan
“Digging A Hole is a laugh out loud, fast paced, crazy ride of a romantic comedy.”
—Louise’s Book Buzz Blog, on DIGGING A HOLE
“Mimi Jean Pamfiloff has topped even herself! Wonderful characters, some truly twisted events and some pretty awesome reading as two people learn to work as partners and trust in one another for support!”
—Tome Tender, on OH HENRY
“Oh Henry ratcheted everything up a notch. Still some sweet romance, some very funny situations, and a little bit of angst as both Elle and Henry are dealing with some serious issues. And, what would a Mimi Jean book be without one of her little added twists.”
—Carol’s Reviews
“It is funny, entertaining, and an absolute delight”
—As You Wish Reviews, on DIGGING A HOLE
OTHER WORKS BY MIMI JEAN PAMFILOFF
COMING SOON!
Colel (Immortal Matchmakers, Book 5) ←It’ll bee next. I promise!
The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant, Book 3 ←Gah!! What will Miriam say? #IamaVampire
My Pen is Huge (OHellNo, Book 5) ←Oh no, Mimi didn’t. (She did.) #NaughtyTitle
The Boyfriend Collector, Part 2 ←Steamy Alert! (Windshield wipers required for your reading glasses.)
THE ACCIDENTALLY YOURS SERIES
(Paranormal Romance/Humor)
Accidentally in Love with…a God? (Book 1) ←My very first book baby ((hugs)).
Accidentally Married to…a Vampire? (Book 2)
Sun God Seeks…Surrogate? (Book 3)
Accidentally…Evil? (a Novella) (Book 3.5)
Vampires Need Not…Apply? (Book 4)
Accidentally…Cimil? (a Novella) (Book 4.5) ←Evil unicorn explained.
Accidentally…Over? (Series Finale) (Book 5)
THE FATE BOOK SERIES
(Standalones/New Adult Suspense/Humor)
Fate Book ←Careful what you wish for!
Fate Book Two ←Ditto.
THE FUGLY SERIES
(Standalones/Contemporary Romance)
Fugly ←Still makes me cry.
it’s a fugly life
THE HAPPY PANTS SERIES
(Standalones/Romantic Comedy)
The Happy Pants Café (Prequel)
Tailored for Trouble (Book 1)
Leather Pants (Book 2)
Skinny Pants (Book 3) ←Probably the last nookie cookie book. ((Sad face.))
IMMORTAL MATCHMAKERS, INC., SERIES
(Standalones/Paranormal/Humor)
The Immortal Matchmakers (Book 1)
Tommaso (Book 2)
God of Wine (Book 3) ←My fave cover ever! Slurrrrp.
The Goddess of Forgetfulness (Book 4)
THE KING SERIES
(Dark Fantasy)
King’s (Book 1) ←EVIL
King for a Day (Book 2)
King of Me (Book 3) ←Not so evil?
Mack (Book 4)
Ten Club (Series Finale, Book 5) ←Not telling.
THE LIBRARIAN’S VAMPIRE ASSISTANT
(Mystery/Humor)
The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 1)
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br /> The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 2) ←Mr. Nice wants more Fanged Love!
THE MERMEN TRILOGY
(Dark Fantasy)
Mermen (Part 1)
MerMadmen (Part 2)
MerCiless (Part 3) ←Crazy Dirt Will NEVER Die!!!
MR. ROOK’S ISLAND SERIES
(Romantic Suspense)
Mr. Rook (Part 1)
Pawn (Part 2)
Check (Part 3, Finale) ←Luke is no longer speaking to me. Wants own book.
THE OHELLNO SERIES
(Standalones/New Adult/Romantic Comedy)
Smart Tass (Book 1)
Oh Henry (Book 2)
Digging A Hole (Book 3)
Battle of the Bulge (OHellNo, Book 4) ←You are here.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE
The OHellNo Series
Book 4
Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
A Mimi Boutique Novel
Copyright © 2019 by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
Kindle Edition
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the writer, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks are not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Cover Design by Earthly Charms
Developmental Editing by Latoya Smith
Copyediting and Proof Reading by Pauline Nolet
Formatting by Paul Salvette
DEDICATION
To foot rubs and the brave men who dare to touch our stinky feet after a hard day.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE
CHAPTER ONE
Abi
If you could pick one word to describe yourself, what would it be?
Optimist?
Extrovert?
Driven or feisty?
If you’d asked me a few years ago, I would have said shy. Seriously, turtles had nothin’ on me. I was the girl in school who always pushed her hair down around her face, sat in the back of the classroom, and rarely raised her hand. I never would’ve described myself as brave. Or deadly.
Of course, I’m all grown up now, nearly twenty-two, and I can’t afford to be that girl anymore. Especially because I need money. A lot of it. Which is why I’m standing in the slushy mud after hiking seven hours in the freezing Alaskan snow while carrying a fifty-pound pack filled with survival gear. This is the world’s toughest job interview, but if I pass, I’ll make three times what I could anywhere else.
A projectile whizzes past my ear, and I plunge headfirst into a thick pile of snow between two towering pines. Jesus! Who am I kidding? I’m no GI Abi! I’m a certified geekoid. President of the Star Trek Uhura Club, avid romance-book lover, cowbell player in my university’s beginners’ band, and the founder of Business is Sexy enthusiast group who promotes business and finance majors among the women’s clubs on campus. All these groups are new endeavors for me—my way of trying to be more social—so I can learn to love new things.
Okay. Most new things. This bodyguard bootcamp? Possibly a huge mistake.
Of course, I’m not naïve. I know that life rarely turns out the way people expect. When my father died of a heart attack about six years ago, I never imagined how much I’d miss him. Suddenly, this man who used to drive me crazy with his lectures about grabbing the bull by the horns became the one person no man could ever compare to. Losing him made me see how special he was and how lucky we were to have him—something my mother knew for years.
After he died, her life began falling apart. Not because she wallowed or felt sorry for herself. Not even. She is a pillar of strength, both as a human being and as the owner of an interior design company. Her misfortunes have all been a series of random events—some horrible client who spent one hundred K on custom furniture and design work then decided to sue for his money back because his new girlfriend didn’t like the style. That same week, there was a flood in her warehouse and her insurance company went under. Fabrics, curtains, pillows, and her entire house-staging inventory for the realtor clients. Gone. It’s been one disaster after another, but she still manages to keep a high chin and a wide smile.
Honestly, her can-do attitude is what inspired me to apply for a job as a bodyguard. I’m fighting for a chance to get our mortgage back to square, pay for my final semester of college, and keep her interior design business from tanking. If I’m lucky, I’ll run my own business someday, too.
I remove my dirty white parka, toss it to the snow-covered ground, and press my back to a wide tree trunk. I’m frozen to the bone, but my camo thermal shirt will blend in better with the bark.
One more kill, Abi. Just one more, and this will all be over. No, I’m not really going to kill anyone. But I do have to tag one more trainer with my airsoft rifle. Otherwise, I fail bootcamp. I’m all out of ammo, so after this last pellet, it’s game over.
“You got this, girl,” I whisper to myself, ignoring the aches in my back, legs, and arms from crouching and crawling over rocks and frozen branches.
I hear my target’s soft footsteps crunching through the freshly fallen snow. This is it. Steady. Keep calm…I wrap my frozen pink finger around the trigger and hold my breath. You got this, Abi. You got this.
Suddenly, I hear more footsteps approaching to my left. And to my right! They’ve been tracking me all day, and now I’m surrounded.
Just like I’d hoped. Because sometimes life hands you lemons. And other times it hands you grenades.
I smile, reach into my pocket, and grab my pellet bomb. Abi’s graduating today, boys!
CHAPTER TWO
Houston, Texas. Thirty-six hours later.
“Keep the change.” Eager to see my mom, I shove sixty bucks at the cabdriver, grab my black duffel bag, and push open the car door. I haven’t been home for over four weeks, but it feels like a lifetime ago. She thinks I’ve been off training for a sales job at some extreme camping-gear company, which will explain why my skin is chapped from the cold and my long brown hair has lost five inches. Who knew you could literally give yourself a trim by freezing the hell out of your hair and just snapping the strands like twigs? Anyway, good intentions or not, I hate lying to her, but we need the money.
I stand in the driveway, and a gust of cool Texan air hits my face. Compared to where I’ve been, this feels like the freakin’ tropics. Plus, there’s something about Houston in February that brings back sweet memories of anticipation, when you know flip-flops, bathing suits, and spring break are just around the corner.
Errr…you’ll be working. Remember? No spring break for you. My best friend, Georgie Walton, is going to be crushed. We always go to the beach in early April because we’re inseparable. The funny thing about us, though, is that we couldn’t be more different, aside from growing up as two shy nerds. She always liked sweats; I like heels and skirts. She grew up in a wealthy family with security guards and servants, always running away from the limelight and her demanding parents. A full-blown introvert. I, on the other hand, grew up very middle-class with two loving parents, always wishing I were brave enough to stand tall in front of a room full of people. A wannabe extrovert.
This last year, though, we’ve both been stepping out of our comfort zones and taking charge.
Shy girls no more! Cue theme to Superman.
No. Wait. Make that Wonder Woman.
Okay, yes. I maaay still struggle from time to time with finding my voice, but that doesn’t mean I’m weak or don’t have opinions. I jus
t tend to clam up when my emotions run high, almost like I kinda don’t trust myself.
Calm mind equals rational words.
Flustered mind equals embarrassing gobbledygook.
With duffel bag in hand, I take the walkway around the side of our yellow ranch-style house since my mom isn’t home from work yet and I always lose my key, so I stopped carrying one. I leave it under a rock out back near the hibernating flower garden. In the front of our house there are rosebushes that will blossom soon along with the bulbs in the ground. My mom is a master gardener. I barely get along with a salad.
“Abi!” I hear a deep voice call out.
Without thinking, I drop my bag, reach for my sidearm, and crouch. Okay, dorkee-doo, you have no sidearm.
“Nice.” Trying his darnedest not to laugh, the infamous Sam McDaniel stands at the edge of my driveway on our quiet residential street. Sam, who’s in his early thirties, loves a crisp black suit, which he’s wearing today. He’s tall, well-built, and a bit terrifying at times. Kind of reminds me of a bulkier, young Clint Eastwood, especially when he uses those stormy gray eyes to give you the stink eye. He’s also my best friend, Georgie’s fiancé and my new boss.
“Don’t laugh.” I stand up straight, dusting off my jeans. “Your stupid bootcamp has permanently dented my brain.”
He walks up, grabs my duffel bag off the ground, and holds it out. “You say dented, I say well trained and appropriately paranoid for a soon-to-be bodyguard.”
I’m about to chew him out for failing to warn me about what I was in for—“Think of it as a paid Alaskan vacation, Abi. Only, they’ll teach you how to use a gun and incapacitate someone three times your size.” Vacation, my ass. I’ll be dreaming of snow in my butt crack for an entire year. I literally had icicles forming inside my woman cave. Okay, it’s more of a very tight crevasse, not a cave, but I swear there were crystal formations happening down there, and not due to lack of sex. Though, I haven’t had any of that lately.